-Sigh-

Dear Jan,

I would like to inquire as to what you were thinking this Sunday when you tracked my down in church just to 'hug' me? Does it not register in your damaged head that I DON'T want to see you? You've caused my family so much greif and pain its not even funny! I've had it with you and your lies! You get mad beacuse mom and dad won't talk to you, so you put me in the middle. I HATE that! I don't want you near me at all!!! So please don't track me down looking for sympathy because I have none. I remember everything you've done to me....and my family. I hate you for what you've done to my parents let alone my grandparents. You've aged us all 10 years....

I think back to last year when you moved down here.....I remeber being so excited because you were comming home...I look back at that and think if I had only known....There are some days when I wished you'd just leave...But no, out family is not granted that mercy. To be honest actually, I 'm terrified of you. I have been for a while. Since the time you almost killed me to the time you tried to break into my room I've been scared. When I got to church Sunday I freaked caue you were there. So my first reaction when I got upstairs and realized I was alone to text Sarah. She was running late sadly.. then you showed up..Oh and how dare you ask me whats wonrg? Are you frigging kidding me?

Honestly I'm too mad to spend anymore time on this. Theres a puzzle in front of me I'd like to finish. And I'd also like to listen to some muxic and try not to think about you and where you are and how you are...So in closing....Stay away from me....Please....


Nicole

Dear Bubby

Dear Chance,

God, it's been 8 years now. 8 long, hard, stressful, painful years since you've been gone. What's heaven like? Tell me it's better than life here cause I need to know you're safe and happy. Are you happy? If you are thats good...Not for us though... How often to you think of us? I think of you everyday of my life. I surround myself in pictures of you and me. Sometimes I sleep in that old Beevis and butthead t-shirt or that Cincinatti Bulls shirt you left behind that last summer. Remember that picture of us in Gaitlinburg in the moutains? I still have that. It's one of my favorite pictures. I even had it blown up poster size and put it up on my wall. Gramma even had a bracelet made after you died for me....I wear it everyday...It has a boy's head on it with your name birthyear and deathyear. They even put a Ickey Mouse charm on there that says 'I Love You'. Oh and a charm that has 2 heart connnected on it. God bubby, I miss you terribly.. I was going to write this letter on the 23 but I just couldn't

I remember when Aunt Jan gave me all that stuff you had. You'll be happy to know your Pokemon Yellow is still in good condition. Your old Starwars phone is okay too. Daddy has it put up so nothing can get to it...Oh and your old fart alarm has provived me with many a laughs. I remember going to your house when I was little and blowing that over and over again..I miss that house. I haven't been there since you died. I remember every room in that house. I have a VERY clear picture of your room. That old couch pullout bed Grandaddy slept on? All those wrestling figures you got mad me when I played house with them? All those old Starwars soda cans? I remember it all.. You have know idea what I wouldn't give to be able to sit in your room one more time and watch The Simpsons with you.

I remember all those summers you came down. Remember all that watermelon we ate on the floor in gramma's kitchen? Watermelon is still my favorite food. Everytime I eat it I think of you. I also remember all the trips to Chuckie Cheese. I'm still grateful you gave me all your tickets so I could have that cheap Barbie doll. Even though Gramma got mad when she caught us at midnight playing with her in the sink cause I wanted to see her swimsuit change colors. You used to folow me around like a dog. Daddy always told me you were always sniffing my butt folowing me around so closely. You always did everything in your power to make sure nothing would ever hurt me. And I know that still today your folowing me around making sure no one messes with me. I know your the sole reason your mom is still alive. She should've been dead 3 times and each time you were there with her and helped her hold on until someone got there. I know you were alos there when Daddy fell off the roof. Thanks Bubby, I owe you one.

Since your death non of us have been the same. But some of us learned from it. I NEVER EVER take one day for granted. You've inspired me to things I NEVER would have done had I no thad the thought in the back of my head saying "Hmm why not try it? You never know what tomarrow will bring. Go for it!) I also know that you never left here. I see you all the time. Your always hanging around making sure no nothing hurts your baby sister. It's still not the same as having you phyisiclly here with me. I miss you sooooooooooooo much. All of us do. Your mom needs help now. I know you've down all you can and gone beyound that but if you can put a good word in with the big man up there, I'd be grateful. Maybe if you let her know that yes, you are still around she might feel better.

Well bubby, I have to go. Theres a lot more things i would've included in this letter, but I just don't think I'm ready for that yet. I just want you to know that you never left my mind and you never will. You're alive in my heart and everyone else in this family. I love you very much. We all do. We all miss you. Especially me bubby.

Some Q &A

These are some questions asked to me about 8 years ago. The answers that I Have now are pretty much the same as they were 8 years ago. These are questions and some statements that you just shouldn't ask. You may think your being polite and helping a person but really your not. Heres just a few of my 'favorites'.

• Are you over 'it' yet? NO! Il'' never be over what happened. I'm just as sad now as I was 8 years ago. This isn't something that just goes away.
• At least he's in a better place. What are you talking about!? He's not HERE with ME and my family where he belongs!
• At least he's not suffering anymore. What?! Why was he suffering? Even if he was I can't really think of a good reason why he had to suffer at ALL.
• I know how you feel. This one gets me everytime. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH IT YOURSELF. Don't set there and make up things just to make me feel better. You look ridiculous if you can't think of anything better to say. Sometimes it's best to just offer a hug instead of words.
• Get on with your life. What?!?! Just because I have to continue my life and go forward doesn't mean that I always want to and that it never hurts on the inside. When you get to major milestones in life he never had, he gets in the back of your mind A LOT.
• Do you feel better? No I still miss him more than life in itself. These emotions don't just clear up over time. They'll always be there.
• God never makes a mistake. You really mean to tell me he took him away on purpse?!?!?! God just playing a game like that is just cruel and hurtful. You really mean he gave him life with us only for a while to be ripped away at a young age? Go stuff it!
• At least you had him for so many years. This one just really digs in there. I'm sorry could you repeat that? Oh.... Well what time would you have selected for your brother to die? Never? Thats the same answer I have.
• God nevers gives you more than you can bear at once. Well then apparently I'm just an emotional dumping ground. There are days when I just don't feel like handling what gets dumped on me. Besides who can decide how much I can take? Aren't I the only one who can anwer that question?

Guess Who?

Can you guess who I'll be thinking about ALL this week based on this one song by Greenday?

Wake Me Up When September Ends:

Summer has come and passed.
The innocent can never last,
wake me up when September ends.

Like my fathers come to pass.
Seven years has gone so fast,
wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again.
Becoming who we are.

As my memory rests,
but never forgets what I lost.
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and passed.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Ring out the bells again.
Like we did when spring began.
wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again.
Becoming who we are.

As my memory rests,
but never forgets what I lost.
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and passed.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Like my father's come to pass.
Twenty years has gone so fast.
Wake me up when September ends.
Wake me up when September ends.
Wake me up when September ends.

Dear Family Member,

Dear family member,

Over the past few days I have lingured over what I'm going to say to you next time I talk to you. I can't put anything in complete sentances. I'm worried about you. I love you dearly (although sometimes I wonder) I just want you to be okay. Will you ever get there? I can't answer that question anymore. I wish I could. I wish I had answers to why you would put your own family your own flesh and blood through literal hell. I wish my parents had the answers. They never know what to tell me when I ask questions. They want to be able to tell me everythings okay but they know themselves its not. My parents are some of the ost important people in my life. You've hurt them in ways I'm not so sure anyone can undo. My mother has sat up nights and just been so upset and worried about you.

My mother has tried to help you so many times and you just keep pushing her limits. She literally saved your life when you were passed out on the floor in your home. Had mom and dad not come whn they did you would've been dead. She's lookde up several treatment facilities and you don't want to go. My mother has also been the one in this family that has talked to you when no one else wanted to even fool with your hind end. She's not even your blood and she treats you like family. You constantly screw her over. Do you know how hard it is for her to look her baby(me) in the eye and tell her about her aunt and her daily 'activities'. Do you not remeber talking to her worse than you would a dog just because she holds you responsible for your actions? Thats MY momma! Nobody says mean things to MY momma and gets away with it....

My daddy is another story. I love my daddy to death! You treat him worse than you treat my momma! Then you deny hurting anybody because your too scared to face your problems! You have hurt him in so many ways. He's carried you out of parking lots when your screaming and yelling and whooping and hollering about inappropriate things I can't mention here? He's tried and tried to help you and you keep running him over. You say he's the one with problems because yet again you don't want to take responsiblity for you actions. NOT A SINGLE THING THAT IS HAS DONE HAS CAUSED YOU TO DO WHAT YOU DO! Got that?!?! Quit blaming him for YOUR actions! All in the world he wants is an ok sister...You caused the tension between you two. Your the reason you guys aren't talking. He's also had to explain to me when you do stuff...That pains both my parents more than anything...What pains them more is that you can't see that...

Gramma has been through the ringer and back. You've aged both of my grandparents at least 10 years! Calling gramma all night making ridiculous claims about how she never loved Chance...Oh and all the lovely little comments you made that never made sense? Put a sock in it!! You have made gramma royaly mad this time!! You want to take care of Lindy Sr. but you don't even want to see your own parents?!?! Grow up! I know its hard to except the fact thier getting older but that should give you all the more reason to be around them more often! She's tried to be sympathetic but now thats ran out....

Grandaddy has just sat on the sidelines and suffered. He doesn't understand so much of this. You hurt both your parents in ways that was though impossible. Grandaddy just wants his little girl back. He lost one of his sons he doesn't want to bury another child. You've also taken a good 10 years off his life...Still you don't see that...

You've also hurt Aunt Shiela. She has bee nthe most patient one of us. She has constanltly defended you. She has come and got you on many occasions because we couldn't handle you in the state you wree in. You made her say the s word 6 times!!! Do you not see how bad that is? She has never said anything like that EVER!!! She' also come and got you when you were on a roll and dad couldn't do it by himself! You've aged her. You hurt her too....

And now we get to me. You have hurt me to the point where words can't express how I feel. You almost killed me one day when you were in your little state. Did you admit it? Of coarse not. You threw a phone at me one time in your rage. Of coarse you claim to not remember that.the morning. But you sure remember when way say something when your messed up. Funny how you can't remember what you say.... Its' also funny how I used to be the one you ran to until I got fed up. I'm tired of sitting up at night crying, wondering if your going to be alive in the morning. I'm tired of all my family crying over you and yor situation. That whole little deal you made up where I won't get anything in the will if I didn't start talking to you? Thats a load of poop! Do I look like I just rolled off the pumpkin wagon? Money doesn't mean that to me! I'm sorry but thats just desperate!

This past week has shown that you realize that you have no one that you can call for a favor. It's all your fault. You burned that bridge, Not mom, dad, gramma, grandaddy, aunt Shiela, or I did this! The balls in your court now. You can get treatment or.... Well I'm really scared of the alternative. You and I both know what that is. I wish you'd go with the first option....Before you die because of all this....


Your niece

Handlebars

Ok I found yet another song that speaks to me. This one I found Friday and I LOVE IT! It doesn't make a lot of sense the first time you listen to it but if you go back and listen to it some more you get it. Here it is Handlebars by Flobots:


I can ride my bike with no handlebars.
No handlebars, No handlebars,
I can ride my bike with no handlebars.
No handlebarsNo handlebars.

Look at me, look at me,
hands in the air like it's good to be,
ALIVE
and I'm a famous rapper
even when the paths're all crookedy.
I can show you how to do-si-do.
I can show you how to scratch a record.
I can take apart the remote control,
And I can almost put it back together.
I can tie a knot in a cherry stem.
I can tell you about Leif Ericson.
I know all the words to "De Colores".
And "I'm Proud to be an American".
Me and my friend saw a platypus.
Me and my friend made a comic book.
And guess how long it took?
I can do anything that I want cuz, look:

I can keep rhythm with no metronome.
No metronome.
No metronome.
And I can see your face on the telephone.
On the telephone.
On the telephone.

Look at me.
Look at me.
Just called to say that it's good to be,
ALIVE.
In such a small world.
I'm all curled up with a book to read
I can make money open up a thrift store.
I can make a living off a magazine.
I can design an engine sixty four
Miles to the gallon of gasoline.
I can make new antibiotics.
I can make a computer survive aquatic conditions.
I know how to run a business.
And I can make you wanna buy a product.
Movers, shakers, and producers.
Me and my friends understand the future.
I see the strings that control the systems.
I can do anything with no assistance.

Cause I can lead a nation with a microphone.
With a microphone.
With a microphone.
And I can split the atoms of a molecule.
Of a molecule.
Of a molecule.

Look at me.
Look at me.
Driving and I won't stop.
And it feels so good to be,
Alive.
and on top.
My reach is global.
My tower secure.
My cause is noble.
My power is pure.
I can hand out a million vaccinations.
Or let'em all die from exasperation.
Have'em all healed from their lacerations.
Or have'em all killed by assassination.
I can make anybody go to prison.
Just because I don't like 'em.
And I can do anything with no permission.
I have it all under my command.

Because I can guide a missile by satellite.
By satellite.
By satellite.
And I can hit a target through a telescope.
Through a telescope.
Through a telescope.
And I can end the planet in a holocaust.
In a holocaust.
In a holocaust.
In a holocaust.
In a holocaust.
In a holocaust.

I can ride my bike with no handlebars.
No handlebars.
No handlebars.
I can ride my bike with no handlebars.
No handlebars
No handlebars....


To me this song tells me I can pretty much do anything I put my mind to. This song doesn't remind me of what I can't do. When I'm sad or someone tells me I'm incapable of something I think about this and KNOW I can do it regardless of what gets in my way.

The Big C

One if the things people know me best for is my 'love' for Cracker Barrel. I HATE THAT PLACE!!!! I really do. We take Grandaddy there at least once a week. Sometimes it's multiple trips. Even on vacation we have to get one stop in somewhere to get his fix. I can tell you that the Sataurday veggie of the day is lima beans. I can tell you most of the servers names. I can also tell you what my Grandaddy orders EVERY time we go in there: Green beans, carrots, applesauce, macoroni and cheese and cornbread. I can also tell you that he will always ask for the vegetable of the day and when the response is (always) lima beans he doesn't get it. I sat down one day and began to look at the menu and then turned to my mom and said "I don't know why I bother reading the menu. I know it by heart." It's sad that it's true.

We haven't been there recently. What's weird is that theres kinda been a hole in my life. I actually started craving it the other day in Honors Biology. When I told Renae she asked if i needed to be smacked back into reality. I'm not so sure I miss Cracker Barrel as I do what it really represents to me. My whole family goes when we do. (Well Gramma, Grandaddy, Mommy, Daddy, Aunt Jan, and I.) To me it brings my family together. We've had so many problems with one of the above members. Since I'm probably not supposed to tell you who it is and since no one besides those who know read this...It's not my parents or my grandparents or me. Anyway while we're fighting world war 3 over here we haven't had time to go. That and no one gets along at this time. (Which bothers me more than anyone knows.) I really just want to go and sit and eat...as a family. All I really want is to go to Cracker Barrel and eat with everyone as a HAPPY family. I just want everything to be o.k. with my family but I'm not sure that won't happen for a long time if it even happens.

I just want everything to go back to normal. But in my heart I know the chances of that happening are very slim. I'm slowly gettting used to the idea of everything around me changing. I've come to expected the unexpected. The only thing good about this whole situation is that it's made me much stronger. I've developed 'The Conce of Corcern" Anything outside the cone I don't care about. Very few things actually make it into the cone. I've also learned to take things one day at a time. It's much easier on me to deal with things as they come. Worrying about future things makes life worse. But most importantly and sadly is that I'm starting to get used to going to Cracker Barrel with one less person.

?

Things that make me mad:

• A loser boyfriend getting to break up with me instead of the other way around.
• Not listening to Sarah and everyone else that told me he was poopey.
• Not telling said boy how I really felt about him when he acted like a turd before last night.
• A good friend siding with him instead of not siding at all.
• Mr. Hick's class. (Work, work, work, and yet more work.)
• Crybabies won't can't solve thier own probelms so they dump it on others.
• Anyone who's addicted to something and that lets it consume them.
• Smokers
• Cheaters
• Alcoholics (Let's not get me started.)
• Not being able to depend on pretty much anyone but me.
• Buttholes in general.

Things that make me happy:

• Finally being free to do whatever I want.
• Music
• Not being addicted to anything...Except maybe Diet Coke...
• A small Kid randomly comming up and huggin me for no reason at church last night.
• My mommy making me pot roast , mashed taters, and green beans all at once for dinner.
• My doggy hopping up in my lap and giving me a big kiss on th cheek.
• The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round song....hehehehe...
• Taylor randomly e-mailnig me just to tell me her teacher said doo- doo.
• My wonderful amazing friends who stand by me on a daily basis and put up with me. And who also have gone to all sorts of lengths to make me laugh..Allsion with her drawings ,Sarah with her comics and her wonderful computer that has a voice changer thingy....

Dear Mr. President

Dear Choir President,

I would like to enquire as to the fact of where in the world you get off thinking that you and YOU alone control the whole choir? Do you no realize that no one respects you or even remotly likes you? In your short term in office you've done nothing but whine and gripe and demand your way. You belittle all those in office with you and the chior as a whole. Your attitude towards your position in office downright sucks. You were very hurtful to a ood friend of mine today. Did you even realize how bad you hurt her feelings?

This whole t-shirt idea has gone far beyond what I would have expected. No one wants to pay an extra 30 dollars for a hoodie thier never going to wear. These t-shirt ideas can't be crazy. Do you not realize that were representing the choir when we wear them and flames make us look stupid? And when poor Melony gave you a t-shirt idea (Which bear in mind you haven't submitted crap.) All you did was say and I quote " No that's too simple. Were not having simple! I'm president and I say no. That design looks gay!" Did you not see the hurt in her eyes? Did you not see the anger in mine and everyone elses? Then when she took time and drew out a really cool design and was showing it to people you flew off the handle and threw your books down and walked off. What was that all about? Can you not handle the fact that maybe just maybe someone is better than you at something?

As for the way you treat others? Kindness really isn't a word that comes to mind. This morning when you said "I'm the presidnet and I say if we have a meeting you HAVE to be there!" To Tiffany and I when we didn't want to be around ou since you had strep throught. You've treated all of us like poo the past few days in our 'meetings'. Interrupting people, making fun of our ideas , calling us stupid! Did you not realize that Kevin D. stopped talking becuase he was tired of being made fun of? What kind of president are you? You think you have the most power? Mrs. Lambert told us all that we ALL have EQUAL power! Telling the whole class to shut up? Come on?

Without a doubt I didn't vote for you! I knew it would be like this. But I am a dedicated choir member so I 'm not going to back down from my post. And thatlittle comment you made in front of me today "I'm the president I can do whatever the f*** i want." Honey, I don't think so! How you feel if I said that? You'd be mad! You also can't get out of saying that when we tell Mrs. Lambert tomarrow. Even your own friends were badmouthing you when you walked off. And Honey, You don't want to know what they said. I'm just warning 'ya hun, when all the officers and choir members get mad and rebel don't act surprised. You have it comming.


Sincerly,

Me

Songs For.....

So here we go again. More drama out of my family member thats co-dependent...Ugh!!! This is getting annoying!!! We've tried all kinds of stuff to help and nothings worked...But since I don't want to get into trouble I'm going to skip all the massive details and hit straight on today's subject. Since music is a makor part of my life I created a playlist for this person. I'ts kinda long because its got 80 something songs on it, but it gets the message across. Here's my playlist all 8o something songs:

• And Fools Shine on - Damon Johnson
• Bad Day - Fuel
• Because of You - Kelly Clarkson
• Best of You - Foo Fighters
• Bleed it Out - Linkin Park
• Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
• Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson
• Breaking the Habit-Linkin Park
• Call Me When Your Sober - Evanescense
• Candle in the Wind -Elton John
• Change - Deftones
• Coma White - Marilyn Manson
• Conversations with My 13 Year Old Self - Pink
• Dance of the Manitee- Fair to Midland
• The Devl's Reject's- Rob Zombie
• Disposable Teens-Marilyn Manson
• The Dope Show-Marilyn Manson
• Down-Blink-182
• Emotionless-Good Charlotte
• Fall to Pieces-Velvet Revlover
• Family Portriat-Pink
• Famous Last Words - My Chemical Romance
• Float on - Modest Mouse
• Fly to the Angles - Slaughter
• Get Out Alive - Three Days Grace
• The Ghost of You - My Chemical Romance
• Give 'Em Hell Kid- My Chemical Romance
• Going Under-Evanescence
• Halleluja-Rammstein
• Harder To Breathe-Maroon 5
• Hemmorrage (In My Hands) - Fuel
• Hold On- Good Charlotte
• How to Save a Life - The Fray
• Hurt - Johnny Cash
• I'm Not Okay(I Promise) - My Chemical Romance
• I Dare You - Shinedown
• I Miss You - Blink-182
• In the End - Linkin Park
• It's Been a While - Staind
• It's Not a Fashion StatementIt's a Deathwish - My Chemical Romance
• It Ends Tonight - The All-American Rejects
• Jumper- Third Eye Blind
• Let It Die - Three Days Grace
• Let It Go - Blue October
• Liar(It Takes One To Know One) - Taking Back Sunday
• Links 2,3,4 - Rammstein
• My Immortal - Evanescense
• Never Too Late- Three Days Grace
• No More Tears - Ozzy Osborne
• Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne
• Nobody Knows - Pink
• Numb/Encore - Linkin Park
• One X- Three Days Grace
• Over and Over- Three Days Grace
• Over My Head- The Fray
• Overweight - Blue October
• Rosenrot- Rammstein
• Runaway - Pink
• Scars - Papa Roach
• Shadow of the Day - Linkin Park
• Snow (Hey Oh) - The Red Hot Chili Peppers
• Sonne- Rammstein
• Speed of Sound - Coldplay
• Tourniquet- Marilyn Manson
• Untitled- Simple Plan
• Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day
• We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister
• Welcome to the Black Parade - My Chemical Romance
• Where'd You Go - Fort Minor
• Who Knew- Pink
• Writing on the Walls - Underoath
• X-Amount of Words - Blue October
• You Know You're Right - Nirvana
• Zero- Hawk Nelson

All these songs make me think of this person in some way. Some not always word for word and some very accurate. I just hope this person gets some help because I really do love her but she's really driving me crazy.....

Here We Go Again!

Since there is a certain family member of mine that is struggling with some...'problems' I figured it was a good time to write about the other song I mentioned some posts earlier that help me cope. It's a song by an artist not really looked highly upon. However, he's one of my favorite ones ever simply because he really doesn't give a crap what you think. He also has a really pretty voice if people would listen to him. But, just cause he's the way he is doesn't mean I agree with how he lives his life. I think when it comes to his lifestyle he's a tard. But anyway heres the song : Coma White by Marilyn Mason. ( courtesy of lyricsfreak.com)

Theres something cold and blank behind her smile.
Shes standing on an overpass
In her miracle mile.
You were from a perfect world.
A world that threw me away today.
Today to run away.

A pill to make you numb.
A pill to make you dumb.
A pill to make you anybody else.
But all the drugs in this world,
Wont save her from herself.

Her mouth was an empty cut.
And she was waiting to fall.
Just bleeding like a polaroid, that
Lost all her dolls.
You were from a perfect world.
A world that threw me away today.
Today to run away.

A pill to make you numb.
A pill to make you dumb.
A pill to make you anybody else.
But all the drugs in this world.
Wont save her from herself.

A pill to make you numb.
A pill to make you dumb.
A pill to make you anybody else.
But all the drugs in this world,
Won't save her from herself.

Once again since I know theres haters out there. I don't agree with all the stunts he pulls. But I DO love that majority of his music. And if your going to leave a nasty comment about how stupid he (or I) am save your time, I'm just going to delete it. This song is more than lyrics to me. When I first heard it this same situation was goingon and it still is and I'm just....done...I mean really I'm done with the same old same old out of this person. I really do love this person but I'm done with her thinking that a week or two takes away all the pain. She's just clueless really. This whole 'situation has really blinded her from everything and everyone thats around her. When she wakes up from this 'thing' we'll talk. Until then.....

Can Someone Lend Me a Hand?

Okay, so I haven't posted in a while. Sorry. Theres a real good reason...But instead of rambling on now I'm going to tell you the story and ramble later.

"Nicole your granddaddy wants to go for a walk!" my dad screamed from the back door. I take walks with my granddaddy in the late afternoon. He's pretty much blind and deaf so he has to go with someone and use his cane. I threw on some old shoes and walked out the back door. He was in the driveway and since he hadn't been feeling well this week I asked if he just wanted to walk a short distance to the stop sign and back. He was pretty wobbly but he had been for a couple of week so I didn't think much of it. When we got to the stop sign he said he tought he could make it around the block. Since my dad was on my golfcart driving around I thought it'd be ok if we had to call for someone to come get him since that almost happened once before. I also took my cell phone...I almost decided to not take it...If I hadn't...Where would I have been...?Anyway we didn't even get halfway down the street when the worst DID happen...

He fell. H-A-R-D! We had been talking about my test scores from last year and he got quiet then stumbled and fell on the pavement. He landed on his right side. First his arm then his head. I screamed "GRANDADDY ARE YOU OK?!?!" silence....( since when was silence ever golden?) He said a few seconds later " Yeah I'm ok." I told him I'm calling gramma since there was blood trickling down from his head. I looked up and saw an older lady walking by! I made eye contact with her and she just kept going!!!!!!! I remember her face and I ALWAYS! will....I asked him if he was ok to stand and with much help from me he did. But I could'nt get gramma cause ...she was on the phone...(OF ALL TIMES?!?)

He started to wobble.I asked him if he needed to sit down. "Well I guess I need to.""What hurts?"" Well everywhere."And then there was panic. I freaked! I didn't know what to do! I helped him down and let him fall in my arms as I lowered him to the ground. I put my leg out so I could keep him up without falling over while I used my other leg for balance and tried to call gramma on my cell phone. I saw dad comming down the road on the golfcart! Thank God I'm saved I thought! I waved my arms....But he turned th corner to our house.. He didn't see me I realized. I don't think Iv'e ever been so disappointed. I couldn't leave him there and go for help...But I thought help wouldn't come for me...2 cars blew right past me....I thought He'd die there beacuse his head was bleeding bad.... I couldn't let that happen...But I had to do something!

I finally got through to gramma and told her and begged her to get dad. But she's older herself and couldn't move fast. I kept getting grandaddy to talk to me so I knew he was ok. But he said weird stuff and thought I was talking to him when I wasn't even on the phone. I kept telling him everything was ok and help was comming soon..I don't think I 've ever felt that bad when lying to a person...I knew in my heart if help came it would be slow. I called gramma another 3 times and each time she said she couldn't find dad. I think I was so scared at one point I told her I didn't care who she got just someone get thier @$$ down here NOW!!! She kept looking. I kept waiting. Grandaddy said at on point" How far are we in the road?" Of coarse I had to to the side. And my spunky teeange response was "I really don't care if were blocking a car! They can get over it!" He giggled. Finally I called my house...one ring...two ring...3....4....5...6...God no! PLease let someone pick up!!! 8...."Hello?"

"Dad get out here quick grandaddy fell!!"...Click. Someone was finally on the way... I leaned down and told him help really is on the way!!!! A few brief (and I mean very brief. Dad must have been going 80.) seconds later I heard the sound of truckie before I even saw it!! The sound of relief... Then the truck turned sharply on the road we were on. I would've jumped for joy had my leg not been the only thing keeping grandaddy up. "He's here!!" I screamed. Dad jumped out and came over. He grabbed grandaddyand helped him into the truck. Blood and snot was dripping down his face.

Bam! There was an image of Chance in my head, when he fell of fthe trampoline one summer and showed up at the front door all bloody up on his right side... That unfortunatly is still a very vivid memory in my mind. After I asked if he needed help and he said no I started running back home. I wish the track coach had been there...He would've put me on the team immediatly. When I was almost there my mom came driving up from a meeting she had just been at. I kept going, cause I really don't think I could've stopped. Gramma was on the front porch. She probably heard the truck take off and went to investigate. Mom pulled up and asked me what was wrong. I breifly explained that he fell then it all set in. The fall the blood EVERYTHING! And what did I do?

I cried. Flat out cried. I rarely cry. But just after all that, after fighting back the tears I wanted to cry back there but instead surpress them to try and be strong for him. All those emotions set in at once and it just ..Hit me. Mom told me it wasn't my fault and that it could've happened to anyone. Dad pulled up at that time and we got him on the porch and started to tend to the wounds. Then we decided to take him to the hospital. They hopped in a car, mom and I hopped in the truck, and Jan came after her meeting. They ran several tests on him. While we waited for doctors I called Sarah. Thank God I had someone to talk to. She told me her dad was comming out to check on him. ( He's the preacher at our church.)The doctors all asked me what happened and I had to explain to them several times the whole situation.

They were worried he had a concussion. Sarah's dad showed up talked and prayed over him. Finally I had to come home for school in the morning. Dad called later and said they had to keep him over night. He had a massive blackeye! I mean MASSIVE! And a skinned up arm but other than that he was fine. They kept him another night and he ccame home today!! ^_^

After looking back at that day I wonder what was going through that lady's head when she saw me. The preacher at our church was more than willing to come at 9:30 at might to just say a small prayer! And YOU! (yes you!) Would'nt even stop to ask if everything was ok! I remember her face.. She's got something comming. I'm not sure yet , but everyones I've told is MORE than willing to help. I just can't belive her! I was so mad I said if she was ever dangling from a cliff with one hand I'd stomp on her fingers. Then I decided I'm gong to show her the kindness she did'nt show me. I'll help her up and get to safety...Then question her on why she never helped me! Don't worry lady I remember you...And don't you EVER expect me to smile or wave EVER again. I'm sure when this gets out across the neighborhood nobody will want to smile at you!

Life is Beautiful

Recently I found a new song thats really amazing. People say music can talk to you. This song really did when I first heard it. Especially the first 7 lines. I was pulling an all mighter working on vacation bible school decorations...that's another post for another day.....Anyway I was going through some hard stuff. (and still am) So my first thought was " How can I get this person to listen to this descretly?" I still have'nt got there, but the few (if any) people who read this know exactly who I'm talking about. Her's the song courtesy of Moron.net.

You can’t quit until you try.
You can’t live until you die.
You can’t learn to tell the truth,
Until you learn to lie.

You can’t breathe until you choke.
You gotta laugh when you’re the joke.
There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive.

Just open your eyes Just open your eyes,
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don’t,
I’ve done things that you won’t.
There’s nothing like a trail of blood,
to find your way back home.

I was waiting for my hearse.
What came next was so much worse.
It took a funeral to make me feel alive.

Just open your eyes,
Just open your eyes,
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes,
Just open your eyes,
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes,
Just open your eyes,
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes,
Just open your eyes,
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Like I said this song pretty much describes my situation. Theres only one other song that describes it better, but I'm going to save that for another post. After reading this page You need to go to wherever you download your music, (If its illegal I won't tell I promise.) download this song, and listen to it. You'll understand it better when you hear it paired up with the music.

Make Way for Baby!

Here in a few months I'm going to have to share th espotlight as the only grandbaby on my mom's side of the family. It's been a long fun ride. When I first found out my aunt was pregnant I was shocked. " I'm not gonna be the only baby anymore!" I thought. Then after we found out it was a boy I got all excited because I am STILL the only girl! I ran around for a week saying ( to the tune of La Cuca Racha) " Its got a weiner! I'm so excited! Its got a weiner! I'm still the only girl!" But now I can't for that little guy to get here. Instead of buying one thing for him I bought a bunch of little things for him....I use the term little loosley.... Here's one thing I got him:

Is this not cute? And the best part was it was only 88 cents!

I'm not sure why I picked up these. The fabric print was kinda cute......

This little guy was sooo cute....That and I firmly belive that no child can start life without a rubber ducky.

I really thought this one was cute! But what it said on the back was even better.....

I really like the next three items on the list of things I bought the little guy. I got them all for 1.97$ a piece at J.C. Penny's I love the doggy on the pocket of the blue shirt.

I love this jacket! I thought it was a realy good buy since when he gets here it'll be cooler.

But this is my favorite shirt I got him. I love the colors and I love the little dinosaur on the front!

Of course I bought him some onesies to enjoy while he's little. This is cute.The frog, duck, and turtles are all playing leep frog with each other above the words "Best Friends"

This ones sooo soft! In case you can't tell theres the word 'boy' written under the word baby.

This is my favorite onesie! I love all those colors together and I especially love the little crocodile no the front pocket.

Needless to say this baby will not ever have to be naked! I know that his closet was crammed full a month ago with clothes! And I'm pretty sure I only made the situation worse!I'm sure I'll grow to love him even more even though he's gonna get the vast majority of the spotlight for a looooong time...I don't mind sharing too much anymore.... I have to remember to tell the rest of the family that when he gets here I'm goning to have to hold him last because when I get him I am NOT letting him go for a while!

Back to School

Ok so today was my first day back to school. Since I like making lists (Don't ask why) I'm going to write one out instead of typing out the whole day in sentance form.

5:58 am- Mom shakes me to wake me up in the traditional way. She shakes me and says (with much enthusiasm) " IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!." Oh joy! I think to myself another wonderful day at school. Uggh!!!

6:05-6:10 am- Consider waiting until 6:30 to get up but remember I promised Sarah I'd be there ....That and I wanna see Kevin...

6:11 am -Roll out of bed. And I do mean litterally roll.

6:15-6:35 am -Adjust bedhair to a suitable hairdo. Get a text from Tiffany and Allison about going to breakfast. Answer I'm comming and keep fiddleing with hair. Learn from Tiffany that Kevin is NOT on the bus....

6:35- 6:45 am- Get dressed in my wonderful jeans fom the Buckle, New penguin shirt from Rue21, and my lovely Kurt Kobain Converse.

6:45-7:00 am - make minor adjustments to outfit. Dig for matching headbands and earrings.

7:03 am- leave the house

7:11 am- Arrive at school. Sarah arrives right after i do. Then Tiffany...No Kevin.... Head towards cafeteria. Admire new doors that are no longer ghetto. Enter cafeteria....Still no Kevin but spy his back pack on our table..

7:15 am- Get my usual apple juice breakfast, eat, and leave.

7:20 am - Roam the hallways with Sarah. Comment on fruity's ( who happens to be a male)
lovely new purse...( A handbag bought a booksamillion...my gramma uses it as a purse and it really does look like one..) See that the freshman have multiplied. Look at the homeroom sheets and see that Kevin has Mrs. Butler.

7:25 am- Still roaming the hallways.

7:28 am - FINALLY spot Kevin in the Junior hallway. Notice he chopped off the mohawk. Compliment his new hair. Look at his scheduale and be alarmed to see he has Chinese class 2nd block (Who takes Chinese?) He never wanted the class and signed up for choir with me this semester.

7:37 am - Have to say bye cause the bells about to ring.

7:40 am - Bell rings, Mr. Richey has picked a new theme song this year....A rather annoying one.....Announcments are made. Mr. Johnson passes out registration papers and all kinds of crap.

8:15 am- Bell rings and we head to Spainsh class..... Not too bad today...Its really crowded though 34 of us in one room!!

9:35 am- Bell rings and we head to choir. Mrs. Lambert really wants me to try out for Allstate.....Probably gonna sign up tommarrow.

10:50 am- Bell rings for second lunch...Hope Kevin got 2nd lunch. Notice he didn't as I shovel down school food.

11:20 am- Head to world civ...Notice Shanea and Naomi are in there.

12:50 pm- Break time! Notice someone has put thier junk in my assigned locker. Report it to office. Apparently Mrs. Christie has had enough for one day and tells me if its there tomarrow to bring it to the office. Find Kevin and talk to him. He says he's dropping Chinese because He's the only one in there and they can't take the bus there for one person. Get my drink and say goodbye. Head to Honors Biology.

1:03 pm- Class starts. Notice theres only 13 people in there. Smile. Learn we're dissecting 6 different animals. Smile again. Promise Renae I'll do the frog one for her.

2:27 pm - The bell rings and I leave. See Kevin and say bye. Get out to the truck and notice dad has some cake and my 100 mug from Hucks filled with diet Coke. Smile again ^_^

3:45 pm - Get home and thank God I am.


But ya know, it really wasn't a bad day. I got to seemy friends that I haven't seen all summer. I also got all the classes I wanted. School's not so bad after all...

Something Fishy at Walmart?

So last night was the lsat night I get to stay up as late as I want and sleep in. I was channel flipping and saw a show about how Walmart has become the big sucess that it is and how some people think its actually ruining our country's small buisnesses. It was actually pretty interesting. It started off by showing how Sam Walton got the idea to create a one stope shopiing store, and how it grew into the biggest retailer in America. I tuned in about the time that they were discussing its foreign assembly plants. The vast majority of its products come from China. They were focasing on how toys were made. Namely: The Bratz doll. The company owner told the reporters that the doll could be made in China and sold in the U.S. for anywhere between 15-20$ depending on the doll. He said that if the doll was made in the U.S. it would sell for about 60$. The show changed to a bunch of poeple outside a Walmart demonstrating with signs telling people to not support Walmart because it doesn't support American made products.

After a commercial the show met up with poeple in the Walmart headquaters who were trying to get Walmart to pick up thier product. These people were going crazy over it. One family they interveiwed had an invention called Wallpockets (some kinda wall hanging device you can put random objects in.) They were so scared Walmart wasn't going to pick them up. This made me wonder how many poeple Walmart actually turns away on a daily basis and how dissapointed these people must feel. Walmart actually picked them up. However after the happiness of getting picked up wore off they felt a strain from Walmarts end. According to the show Walmart kept pushing them to cut the cost of the product. They pulled the down to half of the price andwanted them to go down more. The lady said it put a strain on the people that make the product because it was hard to actually make the product cheaper and still make a decent profit. The lady also said that it took a while for Walmart to get the product on the shelves. She said if it didn't get better they were goning to lose a lot of money. They took out a huge chunk of her husbands retirement fund just to get it going. I didn't get to see he end of the show. But I really hope the Wallpocket people did well.

After yet another commercial a reporter was interveiwing an ex supplier of Walmart. The show said that they contacted several current suppliers and none wanted to be interviewed. The one they met with said that the store encouraged the company to ship its manufacturing overseas. They didn't and the company eventually went bankrupt. Another point the show made was Walmart's anvanced computer systems. Theres a giant room somewhere (the location wasn't mentioned) that controls all of the stock of eachh individual store. When the cashier scans the item its sent to this place and kept record of for 2 years. This system also helps keep track of what needs to be shipped to where. Walmart also keeps track of weather. A spokesperson said that during hurricane weather people seem to buy more Poptarts. Strawberry is the most bought. So if the weather system says : Hurricane on the way this machine will tell the stores in that area to get a bigger stock of Poptarts. I wondered as I watched this what would happen if one tiny error was made. Would it screw up the whole system? Would Tampa not get extra strawberry Poptarts? Who knows?

After watching this show I thought about the big question" Is Walmart really ruining our smaller buisnesses?" I'm not sure. I like Walmart in the fact that you can get almost everything under one roof. But I also enjoy the local grocery stores. I like the hometowny feel of it. You know what I'm saying? Maybe not.... I'm still not sure how to feel about Walmart. Yes its very conveinent but it does have some flaws. Most its products are made in China and we've all heard about those lead paint scares. When you rely on one country to make your goods, if something goes wrong all your products are at risk of being tainted with whatevers going around. I know my family does most of our shopping there, but we also shop at the local grocery store a couple of times a month. I guess Walmarts not too bad. But niether is the local Food Giant.

A New Blogger

So here I am...the wonderful world of blogging. How did i get here you ask? There's 3 reasons why I decided to create my own blog.

1. My mother and my best friend.
2. My passion for writing.
3. Teenage laziness.

My mother is porbably one of the biggest role models in my life. She got a blog a while ago. I watched from the sidelines and kinda wondered what it would be like to have one. My best friend is the equivilent to my sister. She got one early this year. Her page is The-shortbus.blogspot.com. When she got one I went "Well I might as well too." My passion for writing surprises most people. I act like I don't like to write, when really and truely I do! I can't tell you how many stories I've written. In fact I'm taking and enriched english class because I know I'll get a better chance of writing in that class than the regular one. Teeanage laziness just happens. I get it sometimes, but I'm actually a really hard worker. (Both of my parents will vouch for me.) I've worked all this summer mowing and babysitting and have saved up 900$. But theres times at home when I don't want to do squat. Like I said I like writing but I just don't feel like writing in a journal most of the time. However since I'm a teenager and am naturally drawn to anything electronic I can type, surf the web, and listen to my music all at once. I hope I can jot something down on here everyday. I kinda want this to be like a diary for me, but nothing really personal so all those internet creepies will stay away. More importantly I want to be able to type without forcing myself to. Which I don't think will be that big of a deal. I think I'm gonna like this.