-Sigh-

Dear Jan,

I would like to inquire as to what you were thinking this Sunday when you tracked my down in church just to 'hug' me? Does it not register in your damaged head that I DON'T want to see you? You've caused my family so much greif and pain its not even funny! I've had it with you and your lies! You get mad beacuse mom and dad won't talk to you, so you put me in the middle. I HATE that! I don't want you near me at all!!! So please don't track me down looking for sympathy because I have none. I remember everything you've done to me....and my family. I hate you for what you've done to my parents let alone my grandparents. You've aged us all 10 years....

I think back to last year when you moved down here.....I remeber being so excited because you were comming home...I look back at that and think if I had only known....There are some days when I wished you'd just leave...But no, out family is not granted that mercy. To be honest actually, I 'm terrified of you. I have been for a while. Since the time you almost killed me to the time you tried to break into my room I've been scared. When I got to church Sunday I freaked caue you were there. So my first reaction when I got upstairs and realized I was alone to text Sarah. She was running late sadly.. then you showed up..Oh and how dare you ask me whats wonrg? Are you frigging kidding me?

Honestly I'm too mad to spend anymore time on this. Theres a puzzle in front of me I'd like to finish. And I'd also like to listen to some muxic and try not to think about you and where you are and how you are...So in closing....Stay away from me....Please....


Nicole

Dear Bubby

Dear Chance,

God, it's been 8 years now. 8 long, hard, stressful, painful years since you've been gone. What's heaven like? Tell me it's better than life here cause I need to know you're safe and happy. Are you happy? If you are thats good...Not for us though... How often to you think of us? I think of you everyday of my life. I surround myself in pictures of you and me. Sometimes I sleep in that old Beevis and butthead t-shirt or that Cincinatti Bulls shirt you left behind that last summer. Remember that picture of us in Gaitlinburg in the moutains? I still have that. It's one of my favorite pictures. I even had it blown up poster size and put it up on my wall. Gramma even had a bracelet made after you died for me....I wear it everyday...It has a boy's head on it with your name birthyear and deathyear. They even put a Ickey Mouse charm on there that says 'I Love You'. Oh and a charm that has 2 heart connnected on it. God bubby, I miss you terribly.. I was going to write this letter on the 23 but I just couldn't

I remember when Aunt Jan gave me all that stuff you had. You'll be happy to know your Pokemon Yellow is still in good condition. Your old Starwars phone is okay too. Daddy has it put up so nothing can get to it...Oh and your old fart alarm has provived me with many a laughs. I remember going to your house when I was little and blowing that over and over again..I miss that house. I haven't been there since you died. I remember every room in that house. I have a VERY clear picture of your room. That old couch pullout bed Grandaddy slept on? All those wrestling figures you got mad me when I played house with them? All those old Starwars soda cans? I remember it all.. You have know idea what I wouldn't give to be able to sit in your room one more time and watch The Simpsons with you.

I remember all those summers you came down. Remember all that watermelon we ate on the floor in gramma's kitchen? Watermelon is still my favorite food. Everytime I eat it I think of you. I also remember all the trips to Chuckie Cheese. I'm still grateful you gave me all your tickets so I could have that cheap Barbie doll. Even though Gramma got mad when she caught us at midnight playing with her in the sink cause I wanted to see her swimsuit change colors. You used to folow me around like a dog. Daddy always told me you were always sniffing my butt folowing me around so closely. You always did everything in your power to make sure nothing would ever hurt me. And I know that still today your folowing me around making sure no one messes with me. I know your the sole reason your mom is still alive. She should've been dead 3 times and each time you were there with her and helped her hold on until someone got there. I know you were alos there when Daddy fell off the roof. Thanks Bubby, I owe you one.

Since your death non of us have been the same. But some of us learned from it. I NEVER EVER take one day for granted. You've inspired me to things I NEVER would have done had I no thad the thought in the back of my head saying "Hmm why not try it? You never know what tomarrow will bring. Go for it!) I also know that you never left here. I see you all the time. Your always hanging around making sure no nothing hurts your baby sister. It's still not the same as having you phyisiclly here with me. I miss you sooooooooooooo much. All of us do. Your mom needs help now. I know you've down all you can and gone beyound that but if you can put a good word in with the big man up there, I'd be grateful. Maybe if you let her know that yes, you are still around she might feel better.

Well bubby, I have to go. Theres a lot more things i would've included in this letter, but I just don't think I'm ready for that yet. I just want you to know that you never left my mind and you never will. You're alive in my heart and everyone else in this family. I love you very much. We all do. We all miss you. Especially me bubby.

Some Q &A

These are some questions asked to me about 8 years ago. The answers that I Have now are pretty much the same as they were 8 years ago. These are questions and some statements that you just shouldn't ask. You may think your being polite and helping a person but really your not. Heres just a few of my 'favorites'.

• Are you over 'it' yet? NO! Il'' never be over what happened. I'm just as sad now as I was 8 years ago. This isn't something that just goes away.
• At least he's in a better place. What are you talking about!? He's not HERE with ME and my family where he belongs!
• At least he's not suffering anymore. What?! Why was he suffering? Even if he was I can't really think of a good reason why he had to suffer at ALL.
• I know how you feel. This one gets me everytime. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH IT YOURSELF. Don't set there and make up things just to make me feel better. You look ridiculous if you can't think of anything better to say. Sometimes it's best to just offer a hug instead of words.
• Get on with your life. What?!?! Just because I have to continue my life and go forward doesn't mean that I always want to and that it never hurts on the inside. When you get to major milestones in life he never had, he gets in the back of your mind A LOT.
• Do you feel better? No I still miss him more than life in itself. These emotions don't just clear up over time. They'll always be there.
• God never makes a mistake. You really mean to tell me he took him away on purpse?!?!?! God just playing a game like that is just cruel and hurtful. You really mean he gave him life with us only for a while to be ripped away at a young age? Go stuff it!
• At least you had him for so many years. This one just really digs in there. I'm sorry could you repeat that? Oh.... Well what time would you have selected for your brother to die? Never? Thats the same answer I have.
• God nevers gives you more than you can bear at once. Well then apparently I'm just an emotional dumping ground. There are days when I just don't feel like handling what gets dumped on me. Besides who can decide how much I can take? Aren't I the only one who can anwer that question?

Guess Who?

Can you guess who I'll be thinking about ALL this week based on this one song by Greenday?

Wake Me Up When September Ends:

Summer has come and passed.
The innocent can never last,
wake me up when September ends.

Like my fathers come to pass.
Seven years has gone so fast,
wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again.
Becoming who we are.

As my memory rests,
but never forgets what I lost.
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and passed.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Ring out the bells again.
Like we did when spring began.
wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again.
Becoming who we are.

As my memory rests,
but never forgets what I lost.
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and passed.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Like my father's come to pass.
Twenty years has gone so fast.
Wake me up when September ends.
Wake me up when September ends.
Wake me up when September ends.

Dear Family Member,

Dear family member,

Over the past few days I have lingured over what I'm going to say to you next time I talk to you. I can't put anything in complete sentances. I'm worried about you. I love you dearly (although sometimes I wonder) I just want you to be okay. Will you ever get there? I can't answer that question anymore. I wish I could. I wish I had answers to why you would put your own family your own flesh and blood through literal hell. I wish my parents had the answers. They never know what to tell me when I ask questions. They want to be able to tell me everythings okay but they know themselves its not. My parents are some of the ost important people in my life. You've hurt them in ways I'm not so sure anyone can undo. My mother has sat up nights and just been so upset and worried about you.

My mother has tried to help you so many times and you just keep pushing her limits. She literally saved your life when you were passed out on the floor in your home. Had mom and dad not come whn they did you would've been dead. She's lookde up several treatment facilities and you don't want to go. My mother has also been the one in this family that has talked to you when no one else wanted to even fool with your hind end. She's not even your blood and she treats you like family. You constantly screw her over. Do you know how hard it is for her to look her baby(me) in the eye and tell her about her aunt and her daily 'activities'. Do you not remeber talking to her worse than you would a dog just because she holds you responsible for your actions? Thats MY momma! Nobody says mean things to MY momma and gets away with it....

My daddy is another story. I love my daddy to death! You treat him worse than you treat my momma! Then you deny hurting anybody because your too scared to face your problems! You have hurt him in so many ways. He's carried you out of parking lots when your screaming and yelling and whooping and hollering about inappropriate things I can't mention here? He's tried and tried to help you and you keep running him over. You say he's the one with problems because yet again you don't want to take responsiblity for you actions. NOT A SINGLE THING THAT IS HAS DONE HAS CAUSED YOU TO DO WHAT YOU DO! Got that?!?! Quit blaming him for YOUR actions! All in the world he wants is an ok sister...You caused the tension between you two. Your the reason you guys aren't talking. He's also had to explain to me when you do stuff...That pains both my parents more than anything...What pains them more is that you can't see that...

Gramma has been through the ringer and back. You've aged both of my grandparents at least 10 years! Calling gramma all night making ridiculous claims about how she never loved Chance...Oh and all the lovely little comments you made that never made sense? Put a sock in it!! You have made gramma royaly mad this time!! You want to take care of Lindy Sr. but you don't even want to see your own parents?!?! Grow up! I know its hard to except the fact thier getting older but that should give you all the more reason to be around them more often! She's tried to be sympathetic but now thats ran out....

Grandaddy has just sat on the sidelines and suffered. He doesn't understand so much of this. You hurt both your parents in ways that was though impossible. Grandaddy just wants his little girl back. He lost one of his sons he doesn't want to bury another child. You've also taken a good 10 years off his life...Still you don't see that...

You've also hurt Aunt Shiela. She has bee nthe most patient one of us. She has constanltly defended you. She has come and got you on many occasions because we couldn't handle you in the state you wree in. You made her say the s word 6 times!!! Do you not see how bad that is? She has never said anything like that EVER!!! She' also come and got you when you were on a roll and dad couldn't do it by himself! You've aged her. You hurt her too....

And now we get to me. You have hurt me to the point where words can't express how I feel. You almost killed me one day when you were in your little state. Did you admit it? Of coarse not. You threw a phone at me one time in your rage. Of coarse you claim to not remember that.the morning. But you sure remember when way say something when your messed up. Funny how you can't remember what you say.... Its' also funny how I used to be the one you ran to until I got fed up. I'm tired of sitting up at night crying, wondering if your going to be alive in the morning. I'm tired of all my family crying over you and yor situation. That whole little deal you made up where I won't get anything in the will if I didn't start talking to you? Thats a load of poop! Do I look like I just rolled off the pumpkin wagon? Money doesn't mean that to me! I'm sorry but thats just desperate!

This past week has shown that you realize that you have no one that you can call for a favor. It's all your fault. You burned that bridge, Not mom, dad, gramma, grandaddy, aunt Shiela, or I did this! The balls in your court now. You can get treatment or.... Well I'm really scared of the alternative. You and I both know what that is. I wish you'd go with the first option....Before you die because of all this....


Your niece

Handlebars

Ok I found yet another song that speaks to me. This one I found Friday and I LOVE IT! It doesn't make a lot of sense the first time you listen to it but if you go back and listen to it some more you get it. Here it is Handlebars by Flobots:


I can ride my bike with no handlebars.
No handlebars, No handlebars,
I can ride my bike with no handlebars.
No handlebarsNo handlebars.

Look at me, look at me,
hands in the air like it's good to be,
ALIVE
and I'm a famous rapper
even when the paths're all crookedy.
I can show you how to do-si-do.
I can show you how to scratch a record.
I can take apart the remote control,
And I can almost put it back together.
I can tie a knot in a cherry stem.
I can tell you about Leif Ericson.
I know all the words to "De Colores".
And "I'm Proud to be an American".
Me and my friend saw a platypus.
Me and my friend made a comic book.
And guess how long it took?
I can do anything that I want cuz, look:

I can keep rhythm with no metronome.
No metronome.
No metronome.
And I can see your face on the telephone.
On the telephone.
On the telephone.

Look at me.
Look at me.
Just called to say that it's good to be,
ALIVE.
In such a small world.
I'm all curled up with a book to read
I can make money open up a thrift store.
I can make a living off a magazine.
I can design an engine sixty four
Miles to the gallon of gasoline.
I can make new antibiotics.
I can make a computer survive aquatic conditions.
I know how to run a business.
And I can make you wanna buy a product.
Movers, shakers, and producers.
Me and my friends understand the future.
I see the strings that control the systems.
I can do anything with no assistance.

Cause I can lead a nation with a microphone.
With a microphone.
With a microphone.
And I can split the atoms of a molecule.
Of a molecule.
Of a molecule.

Look at me.
Look at me.
Driving and I won't stop.
And it feels so good to be,
Alive.
and on top.
My reach is global.
My tower secure.
My cause is noble.
My power is pure.
I can hand out a million vaccinations.
Or let'em all die from exasperation.
Have'em all healed from their lacerations.
Or have'em all killed by assassination.
I can make anybody go to prison.
Just because I don't like 'em.
And I can do anything with no permission.
I have it all under my command.

Because I can guide a missile by satellite.
By satellite.
By satellite.
And I can hit a target through a telescope.
Through a telescope.
Through a telescope.
And I can end the planet in a holocaust.
In a holocaust.
In a holocaust.
In a holocaust.
In a holocaust.
In a holocaust.

I can ride my bike with no handlebars.
No handlebars.
No handlebars.
I can ride my bike with no handlebars.
No handlebars
No handlebars....


To me this song tells me I can pretty much do anything I put my mind to. This song doesn't remind me of what I can't do. When I'm sad or someone tells me I'm incapable of something I think about this and KNOW I can do it regardless of what gets in my way.

The Big C

One if the things people know me best for is my 'love' for Cracker Barrel. I HATE THAT PLACE!!!! I really do. We take Grandaddy there at least once a week. Sometimes it's multiple trips. Even on vacation we have to get one stop in somewhere to get his fix. I can tell you that the Sataurday veggie of the day is lima beans. I can tell you most of the servers names. I can also tell you what my Grandaddy orders EVERY time we go in there: Green beans, carrots, applesauce, macoroni and cheese and cornbread. I can also tell you that he will always ask for the vegetable of the day and when the response is (always) lima beans he doesn't get it. I sat down one day and began to look at the menu and then turned to my mom and said "I don't know why I bother reading the menu. I know it by heart." It's sad that it's true.

We haven't been there recently. What's weird is that theres kinda been a hole in my life. I actually started craving it the other day in Honors Biology. When I told Renae she asked if i needed to be smacked back into reality. I'm not so sure I miss Cracker Barrel as I do what it really represents to me. My whole family goes when we do. (Well Gramma, Grandaddy, Mommy, Daddy, Aunt Jan, and I.) To me it brings my family together. We've had so many problems with one of the above members. Since I'm probably not supposed to tell you who it is and since no one besides those who know read this...It's not my parents or my grandparents or me. Anyway while we're fighting world war 3 over here we haven't had time to go. That and no one gets along at this time. (Which bothers me more than anyone knows.) I really just want to go and sit and eat...as a family. All I really want is to go to Cracker Barrel and eat with everyone as a HAPPY family. I just want everything to be o.k. with my family but I'm not sure that won't happen for a long time if it even happens.

I just want everything to go back to normal. But in my heart I know the chances of that happening are very slim. I'm slowly gettting used to the idea of everything around me changing. I've come to expected the unexpected. The only thing good about this whole situation is that it's made me much stronger. I've developed 'The Conce of Corcern" Anything outside the cone I don't care about. Very few things actually make it into the cone. I've also learned to take things one day at a time. It's much easier on me to deal with things as they come. Worrying about future things makes life worse. But most importantly and sadly is that I'm starting to get used to going to Cracker Barrel with one less person.